What concerns me is that I’m beginning to wonder if I can handle it, and questioning whether this is for me. I think it takes a particular kind of person or set of traits to be able to handle this, and I’m not sure if I’m that person. Frankly, I know I’m not.

Dating a twin is soooo hard.

It’s not fair. I’m too deeply in love with Erik to ever ever, ever turn back.

-ZB-

I had to tell him this, “I wanted to tell you before tomorrow or whenever that I’m incredibly uncomfortable (not ok) with you going to a bar with that girl, but you are free to do whatever you want, I just need to express that to you as your girlfriend.”

I couldn’t stand going without saying anything, it’s just not ok with me in any way.

He thanked me for saying something.

I wonder what he’ll do.

-ZB-

I want him to have fun but it makes me feel sad.

Conflicted emotions are so stupid. Now I just want to go to sleep so I don’t have to feel bad. And I want to tell him but it’s stupid to make him feel guilty for things that he shouldn’t feel guilty for. I’m too controlling? I don’t want to be controlling.

Stupid. :’(

-ZB-

The twin thing is driving me crazy. Am I a monster for tearing them apart, or am I playing the role that I should be? I can’t stand to be without Erik, but is it worth it to kill part of his life? Is it worth it to him? Is it worth it to me?

I wonder if it will ever be ok.

-ZB-

I heard that Bret and TJ were going to meet him at Beijing, and I had recently considered staying away from all of Erik’s roommates for a long while so I thought that I wouldn’t go to eat with them.

Only, it’s really hurtful when your boyfriend assumes that you won’t be going. “I don’t think Bret and TJ will be expecting me to be there.” “Probably not.” But I am torn. I really want to go with him. We don’t see each other as much because we’re not living together and I have a new job that works me 39 hours a week on top of Erik’s school and his own work. And then when he told me to leave…

I left crying.

Of course, I couldn’t just leave. I had to text him, “Way to send me out crying.” I loitered around the street corner outside of the familiar Chinese restaurant hoping that he would come outside to apologize. As tears fell down my cheeks, two black guys who had just crossed the street started talking to me. I didn’t want to explain why I was crying and thankfully they didn’t ask. They asked for my number, I said no but I took theirs so they would stop bothering me.

Erik texted back saying that he was just trying to prevent me from being yelled at by Bret, who would have made me feel even worse. Why would Bret yell at me? That’s so stupid. Why are there always road blocks between me and Erik?

I was so upset. I responded, “Please just don’t talk to me.” and added the formidable, “Ever. Again.” He said, “Fine.” and that was it. I hopped on a bus home and the driver half yelled at me for not holding my pass up well enough for him to see the date. Thanks a lot, guy. As if I had anything more to be upset about. I was just kicked out of a thing with my boyfriend. Why is he such a jerk? If he knew that I should definitely not go, then he should have told me before instead of being a wuss. Grow some balls and tell me beforehand so I don’t get hurt when you tell me to go.

My hands and feet hurt as I ran up the stairs crying, after I had unloaded some kicks and punches on the walls of the entrance to my building. I started to remove my clothes and climb in to bed immediately upon entering my residence when I got a text from him. “You suck for actually breaking up with me over text. Jerk.” I was confused by this, as I hadn’t broken up with him… but whatever. I didn’t want to talk to him. Luckily, I was so tired that I was able to get to sleep. I woke up a couple hours later to a phone call from Erik, but I wasn’t going to answer. Back to sleep.

I woke up in the morning to 9 texts from him. He had texted last night, asking me to talk to him. One mentioned that Bret and Derek has gotten in a fight and thrown stuff at each other (what about? I wondered), and one was a picture of him hugging my pillow. I think he had been crying.

I felt sad but I was still mad at him. I didn’t know what to do. Should I text right now? No… he has a midterm and I don’t want to wake him up this early. Should I text him later to let him know that we’re not broken up? He probably knows. I need to at least wish him good luck on his exam. No… I can’t. I can’t talk to him. Ugh. I have to wish him good luck, he’ll do so much better if I do.

So on my 10 minute break, I sent him a good luck text before his exam. On my lunch break I asked him how it was, because I was afraid that no one else would ask and I did care.

I tried to text a couple more times after work, but his answers were very, very short. Not in tone, but literally two or three word answers. No questions or inquiries. I figured that not only was he busy at work, but still upset from the previous night.

When I got home, I decided to get on the computer for a little while. I played my warlock for a couple hours to kill some time until Erik was off work at 6. I was counting down the minutes, hoping that he would text me when he was free. I knew that it wouldn’t be the same as if we hadn’t had a bad night, but I at least expected him to say something… what about another apology? Asking me to meet somewhere? Wondering what he could do to make it better?

6 rolled around, and no message from him. I decided to climb in bed and keep my phone close. I woke up several hours later, and still nothing from anyone. Nothing. Not even a junk email!!! I went back to sleep. At midnight I woke up and was upset. Still nothing, and I wasn’t tired anymore. I decided to text Erik to let him know that I was sorry for not being there for him last night, that I had been asleep when he texted me and they didn’t wake me up. I was able to go back to sleep, but I woke up this morning at 7 am with no response from him. What the heck?

Ok, I know that I was the one giving him the silent treatment (hardly… I can’t even do that if I try. I can’t keep away from him), but was he so okay already that he didn’t need to talk to me? SERIOUSLY. I’m supposed to be the one who’s angry here! Why am I the one feeling alone and sad and distressed and ignored? That’s not fair. I can’t even get mad.

Not. Freakin’. Fair.

I wondered if he had gotten drunk that night with his friends. I really don’t think that’s like him, but it would be possible. Though he had work at 8am this morning, and he doesn’t even like to have one beer if he has work the next day. Either way, I was worried that he wasn’t going to wake up for work but 7 was too early to call, so I waited. I called him at 7:50. No answer. I texted him a few minutes later to ask if he made it to work. No answer.

Finally, I sent him a message to let him know that I had thought about it, but the text I sent (Please just don’t talk to me. Ever. Again.) didn’t mean that I was breaking up with him. He responded and said, “Thanks for letting me know.”

Eventually we started talking around 9:45am on Google Talk. It was good to be talking to him, but I have very mixed feelings.

Last night he went with Alexa and a coworker (Phil, the music major) and Bret (of course) to see Surrogates. When he told me I was actually not bothered at all. Obviously I had already seen the movie, so that feeling was absent (him seeing something without me), but I didn’t mind that he went out. It actually made me kind of happy!

And then it started to sink in to me. My selfishness came out. Did anyone wonder why I wasn’t invited? Did he think about asking me? Was it just for him to make him feel better? He said that he had suggested it. What had he been feeling the entire day? Was he so unbothered that no one even had to ask what was wrong with him? If he thought we were breaking up, shouldn’t he be more upset? I wondered so many things.

Is all of this wrong?

I asked him to go to breakfast with me after work, and then took it back. Is it too soon? Can I handle that? What would going to breakfast or even being together mean? I’m listening to my Panic at the Disco station on Pandora, and most of the songs will bring about something in me that will make me cry. I cry randomly. I typed this to Erik: :’( and that made me cry.

Do I even want to see Erik? Or do I just want him to be begging me for forgiveness and to see me? He says that it would have taken him a couple days to push him over the edge (where he can’t handle not talking to me anymore)… I couldn’t even handle half of a day. The only reason I didn’t talk to him that night that it happened was because I went to sleep. I didn’t say anything all yesterday because I went to sleep then too, and I fully expected (an expectation and prediction) him to be the one talking to me.

One of the biggest things that bothers me is that I was the angry one, the one who wanted to be left alone. And when he gave that to me, I couldn’t handle it. He could handle it for longer than me.

Sigh.

-ZB-